GROOMING OTHERS FOR LEADERSHIP IN THE CATHOLIC CHARISMATIC RENEWAL OF NIGERIA.

A talk presented at Anglophone African Conference Of the Catholic Charismatic Renewal with the Theme of Africa-Hope of the Church on the 12^th of November 2009

Session Theme: Servant leadership

Teaching Topic: Grooming others for Leadership.

Introduction

Leadership is crucial to the survival of every organization; the Catholic Church more than any other religious body has an unparalleled history of continuity from the time of Christ till date and this is a strong testimony of the strong leadership in the Church and the benefits are there for all to see. Corporate bodies spend a lot on grooming leaders by way of training and seminars because they know the value sound leadership brings to an organization. No organization can rise above its level of leadership. Leadership abhors vacuum, it is a continuum where by one generation of leaders must pass the baton to the next generation. Without this, valuable time and resources will be lost doing what had been done in the past instead of building on what had been done by the immediate past leaders.

Jesus chose the 12 Apostles very early in his ministry so that they would continue his work on earth after His earthly ministry and they did a marvelous job.  Paul groomed Timothy and his letters to Timothy are eloquent testimonies of how he went about it. In the Old Testament, Elisha was groomed or mentored by Elijah. Grooming leaders is the most cost effective way of entrenching the teachings of the Charismatic Renewal in the Catholic Church.

What is Servant Leadership?

Servant leadership is serving others through the natural talents and spiritual gifts God has endowed you with. By this definition, it is obvious that every member of the renewal has one gift or the other to serve God with in the Renewal. The task every leader has is recognizing the gifts in members or helping them recognize their gifts so as to enable them use such gifts in the Catholic Church.

By baptism, we share in the priesthood of Christ, in his prophetic and royal mission [CC#1268]. Baptism gives you a share in the priesthood of all believers [1Pt2:9]

Scriptural Principles of Servant Leadership

The following scripture verses are pertinent in our understanding of servant leadership:

Matthew 20:20-28

25 But Jesus called them to Himself and said, “You know that the leaders of the Gentiles Lord it over them, and those who are great exercise authority over them

26 “ Yet it shall not be so among you; But whoever desires to become great among you, let him be your servant.

27 “ And whoever desires to be first among you, let him be your slave

28 “Just as the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve and to give His life as a ransom for many.”

From the following texts we can gather the following:

• Servant leadership is radically different from the Leadership style of the world; it does not impose itself or exert itself on the followers.
• You can choose to be a great person or be first in God’s Kingdom if you are willing to be a servant or slave.
• Servant Leadership is patterned after the service Christ rendered to mankind; through service you literally lay your life down so that other persons can come to the Knowledge of Christ.

Luke 10:1-2

After these things, the Lord appointed seventy others also, and sent them two by two before His face in to every city and place where He Himself was about to go.

Then He said to them, “The harvest truly is great, but the labourers are few; therefore pray the Lord of the Harvest to send out labourers in to His harvest.”

We can make the following deductions:

• The volume and scope of work is much but labourers are few; the implication is people who cannot trust others with leadership responsibilities or groom others for service in the Renewal are working against the Kingdom of God.
• The Lord owns the harvest-the vineyard belongs to the Lord, so be careful what you do with it. You are called to build the kingdom of God not your own ministry.
• Ask the Lord in prayer for labourers; people who see themselves as servants of the Lord and not chief executive officers are the ones with the right Spirit to make a difference in the Renewal.

2 Tim 2:2

And the things that you have heard from me among many witnesses, commit these to faithful men who will be able to teach others also.

The following inferences can be made:

• Teach your members about the principles of Leadership among other things
• Make faithful persons leaders who will be able to teach others.
• Servant leadership entails grooming others for leadership.

Challenges of Leadership in the Catholic Charismatic Renewal

• The renewal is still relatively young compared to other apostolates-though accepted by the Church, conservative enlightened Catholics still view it with suspicion. We need to groom leaders that will dispel such fears by their conduct and words so that our acceptance will be enhanced.
• The Church is hierarchical and wants orthodoxy maintained at all times. We need to groom leaders that respect the church’s doctrines and social teachings, who respect the Parish Priest, Bishop and Elders.
• Membership is skewed in favour of women and the unlettered. We should groom leaders who will increase the appeal of the Renewal to educated men.
• Preservation of Catholic Identity amidst the cacophony of Pentecostal doctrines. We need to groom leaders who will not import controversial doctrines or teach doctrines that are strange to catholics.
• We need to groom leaders who would shun the allure of Personal Ministries in the interest of the Renewal because of the associated conflict of interests which always impacts negatively on the renewal when the Church has a cause to clamp down on such ministries.

Strategies for Grooming Others for Leadership in the Catholic Charismatic Renewal

The following strategies would greatly enhance your outcome of training capable persons for Leadership in the Catholic Charismatic Renewal:

1.      Teach on What True Leadership is and the principles   underpinning it.

• Everybody has leadership potential because he is created to rule, govern, control, master, manage and lead over his environment. Bring about a change in their attitude. True leadership is the manifestation of an attitude based on the knowledge of who you were born to be. Your attitude about yourself is key to whether you will fulfill your central life purpose. According to William James, “The greatest discovery of our generation is that human beings can alter their lives by altering their attitude of mind. As you think, so shall you be.” Most of us are not leaders today because in our hearts, we don’t believe that is who we are.

Gen 1:26-27

Then God said, “Let us make man in Our image, according to Our   likeness; let them have dominiom over the fish of the sea, over the   birds, and over the cattle, over all the earth and over every creeping       thing that creeps on the earth.”

27 So God created man in His own image; in the image of God He             him; male and female He created them.

• Leadership starts at the heart and this is where God looks at.[1Sam 16:7]. The heart of man has been described as desperately wicked

Jer 17:9

The heart is deceitful above all things, And desperately wicked,                      who can know it?

Your heart must be renewed for it to be useful to God

Your spirit must be changed to create an attitude that makes the     leader; talent is said to contribute 20% while attitude makes    80% of the leader. True leadership is your internal disposition                 which relates to your sense of purpose, self worth and self- concept. It has to do with discovering a sense of meaning and     significance in life.

• True Leadership is a product of inspiration not manipulation. It is manifested in performance not results. True leaders do not seek power but have a passion to achieve a noble cause. True leadership gives people a cause, a reason for living, and a sense of significance that gives meaning to their lives so that they feel necessary and purposeful. It gives them an outlet for expressing their own gifting. You cannot give significance if you do not already have a gift. You cannot lead people where you have not already gone yourself. Paul told Timothy in 2Tim2:2 And the things that you have heard from me among many witnesses, commit these to faithful men who will be able to teach others also.
• Transforming and Empowering Leaders make the difference; Jesus was an example of both. Because you have a task of transforming followers into leaders since within every follower is an undiscovered or hidden leader, your members should know that genuine leaders have the following attitudes:
  • Purpose and Passion [Man possesses the capacity to lead but has lost the will to lead]. Jesus said, must I not be about my Father’s business. As a leader, arouse the will to lead in your members.
  • Initiative. Leaders don’t wait for the future to come, they create it. While vision is a desire, it is initiative that actualizes it. When a need exists in the group, meet it.
  • Priorities Leaders have a clear sense of what they have to do. Would you want to buy a bus when your membership is low and your finances in poor shape?
  • Learn to set goals. This is what separates real leaders from followers.
  • Team work. Coming together is a beginning, keeping together is progress. Working together is success-Henry Ford. Leadership success can be measured by how much work one can accomplish through the team. There is no limit to what can be accomplished if it doesn’t matter who gets the credit-Ralph Waldo Emerson
  • Innovation-Trying new things, Leaders don’t follow paths-they create trails. They venture where others don’t dare to tread.
  • Accountability-people submit to a trusted authority; the only way to enjoy the trust of your members is to be trust worthy.
  • Persistence-Heb 6:12. True leaders never quit, they believe with God they can do all things.
  • Discipline- there is need it to regulate your focus and order your life.
  • Self-improvement and growth.

2.  Regularly Teach on the goals of the Catholic Charismatic Renewal as articulated by International Catholic Charismatic Renewal Services [ICCRS]

The goals of the Catholic Charismatic Renewal are:

1. To foster mature and continuous personal conversion to Jesus Christ, Our Lord and Saviour.
2. To foster a decisive personal receptivity to the person, presence and the power of the Holy Spirit.
3. To foster the reception and use of the Spiritual gifts not only in the Charismatic Renewal but also in the broader Church.
4. To foster the work of evangelization in the power of the Holy Spirit including the evangelization of the unchurched, the re-evangelization of nominal Christians, the evangelization of culture and social structures.
5. To foster the ongoing growth in Holiness through proper integration of these Charismatic emphases with the full life of the Church. This is accomplished through participation in a rich sacramental and liturgical life, and appreciation of the tradition of Catholic doctrine guided by the Church’s magisterium and participation in the pastoral plan of the church.

You communicate the vision of the Catholic Charismatic Renewal by simplifying the message so everybody understands it; know your members and what they need to actualize the vision. Recognize teachable moments and when they are most receptible to teaching concerning the vision. Show the way by letting your life match your words. Evaluate and see if members are carrying on with the vision.

3.   Let your leadership training programmes embrace some of     the  following:

1. Spot persons with visible or proven leadership ability who have the right attitude and give them responsibilities. Evaluate their performance, praise them for tasks well done, and for those who performed poorly, encourage them that there is room for improvement.
2. Delegate responsibilities to members and through this allow them to learn on the job. When you give power away as Jesus did in Matt 10:1-15, you multiply your influence.
3. Have as many ministries as is feasible to serve as training grounds for members.
4. Regularly hold capacity building seminars for all members of the group to hone their leadership skills.
5. Help your members identify their gifts and talents which they can use in serving the Lord
6. Mentor your members as Jesus did in Matthew 17:14-21. Give them instruction[teaching], demonstrate to them[show them], give them opportunities to try out what they have learnt and then assess their performance.
7. Involve them in decision making e.g the Council at Jerusalem[Acts 15:6-29]
8. Involve them in problem solving. An example is in Acts chapter 6.
9. Use the Catechism of the Catholic Church to teach on topics like the sacraments, the creed, etc

10. Teach them to develop a habit of praying 1Thes5:17

11. Teach them to love the word of God, read and memorize portions of it. 2Tim 3:13-17. Paul asked Timothy to preach the word 2Tim4:1-4

12. Teach them to walk by the Spirit so that they would not fulfill the lusts of the flesh.

13. Be watchful in all things 2Tim 4:5.

14. Groom your members on team work.

15. Managing the finances of a prayer group[Accountability]

16. Conflict resolution[Acts 15:36-41]

4.   For Officers in the Catholic Charismatic Renewal

• They must have a burden for the Church
  • They must love the Catholic Church
  • Ensure the person does not want to use the renewal as a launch pad for personal ministry. Persons with such an agenda have no love lust for the church, are hyper critical of the church, they are not committed in any way in the church and only serve in the Renewal.
  • Use Paul’s Guideline in 1Tim3:1-7 in assessing individuals :

1. He must be blameless.
2. He must be the husband of one wife who rules his own house well, having his children in submission with all reverence [for if a man does not know how to rule his own house, how will he take care of the Church of God].
3. He must be temperate, sober minded and of good behaviour.
4. He must be hospitable
5. He must be able to teach
6. He must not be given to wine
7. He must not be violent, not quarrelsome
8. He must neither be greedy for money nor covetous.
9. He must not be a novice, lest being puffed up with pride he fall in to the same condemnation as the devil.

10. He must have a good testimony among those who are outside, lest he falls in to reproach and the snare of the devil.

Conclusion

The following story and parable will help us understand better, who we are in Christ and facilitate that change in our attitude that will unveil the leadership potential in us.

Soren Kierkegaard, the Danish theologian and philosopher, told this parable: A wild duck was flying with his mate across Europe during the Springtime. Enroute, he landed in a barnyard in Denmark where he made friends with the tame ducks that lived there and enjoyed their corn and fresh water. He decided to stay for an hour, then a day, a week and finally for a month. At a time, he wanted to fly to join his friends in the vast Northland but because the tame ducks had made him feel welcome, he decided to stay on for the summer.

One day in autumn, when he heard his wild mates flying southwards, it stirred him with delight, and he enthusiastically flapped his wings and rose in to the air to join them, much to his dismay, he could not rise higher than the eaves of the barn. In the spring, when the wild ducks were flying overhead, he had a strange stirring within the breast but did not even try to fly to meet them. With time, he no longer noticed them but kept on eating the corn that had made him fat.

The second story was told to author Myles Monroe and narrated in his book, The Spirit of Leadership. An army of a sheep led by a lion will always defeat an army of lions led by a sheep. A local Chief told this story of a shepherd in Zimbabwe who picked up a lion cub abandoned by his parents and reared him with his sheep feeding him with milk. He grew with the sheep and became a part of the herd which he always took out to graze. Four years later, while grazing, the flock waded in to slow running river to drink water when out of the thick jungle bush, a large beast emerged which attacked an killed one sheep while the rest of the flock fled to the pen and hid together with this lion that had become a full grown lion. Seven days later, while the lion was grazing with the flock, he went to drink water by the river and this time saw a reflection of himself in water and fled to the farm house thinking that same lion had come again. The rest of the sheep wondered what was pursuing him.

On another day, while the flock was grazing at the usual spot, this huge beast appeared from the jungle and let out an earth shaking growl that made the sheep scamper to the pen. This domesticated lion could not immediately let out a similar growl but after 5 attempts, he was able to growl as loud as the bush lion. The bush lion by its growls was communicating to the domestic lion, “Are you coming with me?”, the young lion knew his day or moment of decision had come. He would either continue to live life as a sheep or be the self he has just discovered. To be his true self, he must give up the safe, secure, predictable, and simple life of the farm and enter the frightening, wild, untamed, unpredictable, dangerous life of the jungle. It was a day to become true to himself and leave the false image of another life behind. It was an invitation to a “sheep” to become the king of the jungle and for the body of a lion to possess the spirit of a lion. After looking back at the farm and the jungle a few times, he turned his back on the farm and the sheep with whom he had lived for years and followed the beast into the forest to become who he always had been——– a lion king.

Jesus in John 17:16 said “They are not of the world, just as I am not of          the world”

Paul in 2 Cor 5: 20 Therefore we are ambassadors for Christ

Isaiah 60:1 Arise and Shine for your light has come.

Thank you and God bless us all, Amen.

This article was written by Dr Francis Edo Olotu, Physician, Family Counselor, Author, Conference Speaker and host of the Blog Empowering Dads. Dr Olotu’s book, Releasing the Power in Fatherhood is available

at http://www.authorhouse.co.uk/bookstore/ItemDetail.aspx?bookid=64673

How to Prevent Wife Abuse in Marriage: 15 Personal Strategies a Husband can adopt

It is very good to prepare well before courtship and marriage how you want your marriage to be. Although it takes two to tango, your early preparation has a way of making you know the qualities you want in your spouse. The closer a spouse is to your ideal, the less the adjustment you would make after marriage and the lesser the chances of friction in the relationship. If a man wants his home to be the “cradle of comfort” which God designed it to be rather than a “Hot bed of violence” which it has become in many marriages, there are certain attitudes he must learn and others he must drop to make his relationship with his wife wonderful. The following are the strategies:

1. Be faithful to your marital vow in which you promised to love, honour cherish and protect your wife till death brings about a separation. Do things that reinforce your commitment to your marital vows such as seeking the good of your wife always.
2. Take your wife the way she is. Adults do not change easily; the more you work on changing your wife, the more frustrated you might become and the closer to abuse you would get by the day. It has been said that before marriage , keep your eyes wide open to see if your fiancée is the person you want to spend the rest of your life with; after the nuptial knots are tied, keep your eyes half closed so that you will not see things that will provoke aggression in you.
3. Have the attitude that you are appointed to be a blessing to your wife. In this way you will be more preoccupied with how you will be a blessing to her everyday. Physical abuse is so destructive that it would not feature in your home when your concern is to make your wife happy.
4. Dispel any utilitarian concept of marriage in you. Do not enter marriage with the hope that your wife will enable you achieve those things that have eluded you so far in life; this will breed frustration as she might not have that ability to do your wish.
5. Keep working on anger management or control in your life. If you have problems with managing anger, seek professional help or better still spiritual help to overcome it.
6. Improve on your communication skills. Develop a pattern of communication that is devoid of violence both in speech and in action. Learn to appreciate your wife for who she is and for the added value she has brought in to your life.
7. Think of the evil consequences of wife physical abuse such as causing accidental death to your spouse for which you might spend the rest of your life in jail. The effects of domestic violence on your children such as loss of respect for your wife, likelihood of your sons walking in your footsteps and your daughters developing abhorrence for marriage. These are enough reasons to deter a man from physically abusing the wife.
8. Acquiring conflict resolution and problem solving skills. These will teach you how to disagree on issues without turning violent. It will also teach how to respect and accept the views of your wife without loss of face. If your wife is meant to complement you, it follows that there are times you may not share the same views on issues.
9. Have shared interests. Develop some common interest with your wife such as writing books or a business venture. The fact that you are doing things together has a way of bringing you closer and making you more dependent on one another.

10. Add value or invest in your wife. If your wife has an ambition of furthering her education after marriage or upgrading her skills in any trade, give her all the necessary support. She would not only be indebted to you, but will honour you for the input in her life.

11. Change your environment if need be. If you are unhappy at your place of work and this could translate in to violence at home, it is better to change your job. If there are extended family members who stoke the embers of aggression in you, cut off the links and stick to your wife.

12. Allow the Gospel of Jesus Christ to come in to your life and bring about a change in you. The Gospel will bring a purpose and clarity of vision to your life that will enable you handle your personal issues without resorting to violence.

13. Learn relaxation techniques such as deep breathing, listening to cool music and meditation on the word of God when you are under stress.

14. Avoid the company of men who physically abuse their wives. Bad company corrupts good morals; rather seek the company of happily married men from whom you would learn good values in spousal relationship.

15. Learn to use humour and laugh at your self at times. When you take life too seriously, it could laugh at you. Learn to live with those things you cannot change while doing your best to handle issues within your ability.

This article was written by Dr Francis Edo Olotu, Physician, Family Counselor, Author, Conference Speaker and host of the Blog Empowering Dads.

How to Recognize a Potential Wife Abuser: 20 Traits

A young female doctor in a conversation with me once stated that if there is a way of knowing a potential wife abuser during courtship, the incidence of domestic violence would be reduced drastically. The truth is that there are tell-tale signs which should sound an alarm to discerning or perspicacious ladies, but all too often these signs are ignored to the regret of the victim. Studies have shown that persons with certain personalities, who have certain social habits or who come from certain backgrounds are prone to being wife abusers. The following are some of the predictors:

1. A man who comes from a background in which his father abused his mother. A study found 80 to 85 per cent of men who physically abuse their wives saw their father abusing their mother.
2. A man who is verbally or emotionally abusive during courtship will be violent after marriage because then he may throw caution to the wind.
3. He has poor interpersonal and relational skills that leave him without friends. A person who has poor social skills often resort to violence to make his point. Such a man will be suspicious of a wife that mixes and relates well with people.
4. A man that has imbibed violence as his method of dealing with anger and stress. A person who can quarrel or fight at the slightest provocation lacks emotional control and marriage will be very challenging for such a person because the wife would not be an angel who is perfect.
5. A man who was abused as a child will nurture feelings of anger and inferiority and would be quick to read negative meanings to innocent acts of his wife; this can result in frequent fights.
6. A very jealous and defensive person will be violent because the wife cannot but have friends outside him and this can lead to charges of unfaithfulness that can degenerate in to physical fight.
7. A man that abused former partners will likely be abusive unless he has gone for counseling and therapy sessions.
8. A man who abuses alcohol or drugs will not always be in control of himself and so can get violent after a drinking binge.
9. A man that abuses pets has a violent disposition which he may visit on his spouse when he encounters tough situations.

10. A man who can be charming, manipulative and seductive when he needs something but hostile, nasty and mean when he does not succeed is a potential wife batterer.

11. A man from a culture where women are regarded as sex objects will be violent when he does not have his way sexually.

12. A man who goes in to a relationship with the mind of using the wife for financial leverage will turn violent if he fails to achieve his goal.

13. A man with a strong sense of inadequacy will be violent if his wife threatens to leave them.

14. Men who have never experienced real love cannot give what they do not have.

15. A man who experiences sudden and drastic mood changes can be temperamental and abusive when under stress.

16. A man who has a high rate of approval of violence and aggression as a means of settling scores would be a wife beater.

17. A man who always wants to control others will likely be a wife beater.

18. A man who is mentally unstable may turnout violent in marriage

19. A man who is ungodly and despises the Bible as the word of God has no checks on his life that would make him love and respect his wife.

20. A man who physically abused the partner during courtship will do so after marriage.

This article was written by Dr Francis Edo Olotu, Physician, Family Counselor, Author, Conference Speaker and host of the Blog Empowering Dads.

Why a Woman may Choose to Stay in an Abusive Relationship- 16 Reasons

A woman may stay in an abusive relationship longer than is necessary for the following reasons:

1. To avoid the stigma of divorce. Many societies in the developing world consider divorce a cultural taboo; because of this, some women will rather endure abusive relationships than leave the marriage.
2. She keeps hoping the husband would change his attitude. Because feeling remorseful often accompanies domestic violence, some women keep hoping their partner’s attitude will change for good.
3. She has probably developed the battered personality. ICD9 Code 995.81 describes it as any person who because of constant and domestic violence usually involving physical abuse by a partner becomes depressed and unable to take any independent action that would allow her to escape the abuse and believe that the abuse is their fault. Such persons usually refuse to press criminal charges against their abuser and refuse all offers of help, often becoming aggressive or abusive to others who attempt to offer assistance. Often sufferers will seek out their very abuser for comfort shortly after an incident of abuse. The battered woman syndrome was described by Lenore Walker in the late 1970s and it results from a cycle of violence leading to learned helplessness.
4. Economic dependency. A poor and uneducated woman with low earning power may feel she cannot earn enough to take care of her self if she leaves the marriage.
5. Ignorance of her legal rights. Some women do not know the law is on their side if they press charges against an abusive husband and so they continue to endure the abuse.
6. Because of the husband’s threat to harm the children if she leaves.
7. Habouring an illusion that they would save their husband from his abusive behaviour.
8. Trivializing the violence and saying it was not serious enough for her to leave the man.
9. She might assume responsibility for the violence by claiming she was nagging him

10. She might attribute the violence to an external force such as the devil in which case the man is blameless.

11. If she has religious beliefs that consider marriage as indissoluble and which also teaches that she stands the risk of incurring of the wrath of God if she leaves the marriage.

12. Her mother endured an abusive relation so she too would stay put in her marriage.

13.  If she is unwilling to go through the tedious and expensive court proceedings of divorce

14. If she is from a broken home, she would not want history to repeat itself if her marriage breaks up

15. She might deny that she has any other options but to stay since violence is not a scriptural ground for divorce.

16.  Women with abusive parents feel it is normal to get hurt by the person you love and so may not want to leave the relationship.

This article was written by Dr Francis Edo Olotu, Physician, Family Counselor, Author, Conference Speaker and host of the Blog Empowering Dads.

Predictors of Physical Abuse in a Relationship-15 Known Factors

The following factors increase the likelihood of a partner being abused in a relationship:

1. A woman who was abused as child can feel it is normal to get abused in life and so would not negotiate to be treated with respect by the husband.
2. A husband with violent temper and very possessive in nature might succumb to fits of jealousy whether the partner associates with other males.
3. A woman that did not get love growing up from her father seeks love from any man that pretends to love her. Her judgment is impaired because she cannot distinguish true love from lust and so rushes in to marriage to a violent man.
4. A woman who married a man against her parents’ wish becomes socially isolated from family leaving her at the mercy of a husband who does not feel accountable to her family and can afford to treat her anyhow.
5. A woman married to a substance abuser or alcoholic would be at risk for physical abuse because the husband may not always be in control of himself.
6. A husband who neither goes to church nor believes in God may not have any qualms behaving violently towards his wife. He is not accountable to any pastor or religious leader.
7. A woman who got pregnant out of wedlock and had to marry the man to mitigate the shame may be subject to violent outburst from the husband because he probably never planned to marry her in the first place.
8. A woman planning to leave a marriage where she has been emotionally abused may be attacked by the husband.
9. A woman with physical or mental instability who cannot stand up to the husband can be abused.

10. A poor unemployed woman might be of less value to a husband who is chronically strapped for money.

11. A recently separated or divorced woman who is stalked by her former partner may be at risk for an attack.

12. A woman married to an unemployed or underemployed man could be at the receiving end of such a man’s frustrations. A man in such a state is very sensitive to any actions that suggest his waning influence in the home.

13. A woman married to a man that was emotionally and verbally abusive during courtship may become a victim of domestic violence later on.

14. A woman that has little regard for her husband and shows it in her dealings with him may be at risk for physical abuse.

15. A woman married to a man with a history of physical abuse in previous relationships may be at risk for physical abuse in marriage unless the man had gone for professional therapy.

This article was written by Dr Francis Edo Olotu, Physician, Family Counselor, Author, Conference Speaker and host of the Blog Empowering Dads.

Physical Abuse in Marriage: 20 Causative Factors

Physical abuse in marriage is the act of inflicting pain on a partner in order to assert control over him/her. More cases of physical abuse in marriage involve the male partner as the aggressor than the female.

Every year in the US, 2 to 4 million women are assaulted by male partners as against 800,000 cases of domestic violence perpetrated by women against men while 2,000 women are murdered by their current or former male partners in the US. The following are some of the underlying causes:

1. Lack of Church attendance. Religion especially Judeo-Christian faith has a way of tempering man’s aggressive nature and making him see his wife as a God-given complement to his person. A husband who does not believe in the word of God will not subscribe to this injunction. Such a man does not accept the Christian teaching in Ephesians 5:25-Husbands love your wives, just as Christ also loved the Church and gave Himself for it and Eph. 5: 33 Nevertheless, let each of you so love his own wife as himself. He acts with impunity without recourse to God because he believes might is right since he does not have the fear of God in him
2. Poor Spousal Communication. Communication is the lubricant that oils the machinery of marriage; when it is poor developed; partners get physical over minor issues.
3. Victim of Child Abuse A husband who was a victim of child abuse has pent up anger and feelings of inferiority which he will release on his partner after marriage unless he has dealt with the issue before marriage.
4. Witnessed Father Beat up Mother A husband who witnessed his dad beat up his mum would think it is normal to act that way when there is disagreement.
5. 5. Husbands who abuse alcohol or drugs. Such men drink or use drugs and lose their self control and become violent.
6. 6. Wrong Gender Role Beliefs. Husbands with distorted view of their role as heads in the home use their position to demand unquestioning obedience from their wives or else they use violence to beat them to submission.
7. 7. Failure and Unhappiness at place of work. A husband who is a failure or miserable at the place of work comes home with pent up anger and takes it out on the wife and children.
8. Poor Social Skills. Husbands with low self esteem and inferiority complex who have exaggerated need to dominate their wives to show that they are in charge at home resort to spousal physical abuse during disagreements. Such men find it difficult to be intimate with their wife.
9. Aggressive and Perfectionist Personality Husband with aggressive personality and poor anger management skills often give in to violent outburst of anger which is out of proportion to any offense committed. Husbands with perfectionist and difficult-to-please nature often find reasons to fight with their wives.

10. When a partner is idle. An unemployed or underemployed husband reads meaning to every action of the wife, feels threatened and resorts to violence to control his wife.

11. Cultural Background A husband who comes from a culture where the wife is treated as a property and where wife abuse is an entrenched practice would have no inhibitions in being violent against his wife.

12. Faulty Religious Beliefs A wife who has a misunderstanding of what it is to submit to her husband, accepts physical abuse thereby reinforcing the husband’s antisocial and violent behaviour.  A husband who goes to a church where the rights of women are ignored would not have any inhibitions about using fist cuffs to settle marital disputes.

1. 13. Absence of Law against Battery Husbands living in a country where there are no laws against battery take liberty for license and behave violently toward their wives.

14. Socioeconomic Status of Woman A husband married to a woman of poor social standing feels he would not be called to question if he behaves violently towards his wife.

15. Urban Residence Studies have found the incidence of physical abuse is higher among couples living in urban settings. This might be related to the higher stress of living in such places with men developing volatile temper as a consequence.

16. Young age at time of Marriage Men who marry early in life especially if pregnancy out of wedlock compelled them to marry may be prone to wife abuse.

17. Great number of children The stress level in such families is high and it could lead to physical abuse during quarrels.

18. Unmet expectations When a man has a hidden reason for marrying a woman, for instance he is expecting some financial assistance from the in-laws and this is not forthcoming, he can resort to violence during minor misunderstandings.

19. Denial of conjugal rights When a woman deprives the husband of his conjugal rights because of his inability to fend for his family, he tries to use force to get his way.

20. Disrespect towards a husband A woman who taunts and disrespects the husband or compares him with more successful men could be at a risk of violence being used against her during arguments.

This article was written by Dr Francis Edo Olotu, Physician, Family Counselor, Author, Conference Speaker and host of the Blog Empowering Dads.

Various Forms of Domestic Violence: 7 Common Types

An abuse exists when a more powerful person takes advantage of a weaker person; domestic violence is a form of abuse in which a more powerful partner tries to assert control over the other using different means. The following are some of the ways through which one partner may want to exert control over another: Verbal Abuse In verbal abuse, language is the weapon of aggression; it is used to hurt the partner through spoken words or in written form including abusive text messages. Verbal abuse aims at damaging a person’s self-esteem, self worth and emotional well-being to the extent that it eventually takes a toll on the victim’s physical and mental well being. According to Wikipedia, verbal abuse includes scolding, bullying, defaming, defining, trivializing, harassing, interrogating, accusing, blaming, countering, lying, berating, taunting, putting down, discounting, threatening, name-calling, yelling and raging. Verbal abuse is the most common form of abuse and women are often as guilty as men in this vice. It impairs the dignity as well as reduces the self confidence of the victim thus making him/her easier to control. Verbal abuse creates a negative environment of self doubt, which makes the victim develop an inferiority complex; it usually increases in intensity and may lead to physical assault if left unchecked. A lot of persons who engage in verbal abuse feel inferior in their persons and so try to transmit such feelings to their victims. Physical Abuse This is the most violent form of abuse in which the abuser inflicts pain or injury on the victim through such despicable acts like slapping, kicking, boxing, pulling hair, shoving, biting, choking, beating with belt, hitting and twisting of arms. The abusive incidents may be occasional or regular and may start with verbal altercation that leads to a tension-building phase which results in beating. The assault is often followed by a period of calm during which the abuser feigns remorse and tries to placate the victim. Victims’ attitude to physical abuse vary; at the beginning of a misunderstanding, some victims may choose to be quiet so that a fight may be averted while others may choose to bring on the violence so as to “get it over with.” Physical abuse is commonly perpetrated by male partners against females although there are instances where the female is the aggressor. It is the most degrading form of domestic violence and it costs the State a lot in terms of resources deployed in preventing it. Jane O’Reilly in an article titled Wife Beating: The Silent Crime published in the Time issue of 5th September 1983,page 23 wrote, “Nearly 6 million wives will be abused by their husbands in any one year. Some 2,000 to 4,000 women are beaten to death annually. The nation’s police spend one third of their time responding to domestic violence calls.” Battery is the single major cause of injury to women more significant than accidents, rapes or muggings. Emotional or Psychological Abuse Like the other abuses, it is motivated by urges for power and control. The goal is to systematically diminish the partner to the extent that the partner loses his/her self confidence and now yields his/her self to the control of the partner. A partner may engage in emotionally abusing the mate deliberately or subconsciously and it may go on for a long period or could be periodic. The US Department of Justice defines emotionally abusive traits as including causing fear by intimidation, threatening physical harm to self, partner, children or partner’s family or friends, destruction of pets and property, forcing isolation from family, friends, school or work. It may include being yelled/shouted at, spoken to rudely, name calling such as you cow, stupid, liar and rejection. The abuser may choose to treat the mate as a servant, and make all the big decisions without any recourse to him/her. Psychological abuse is perhaps the most reliable predictor of a partner’s likelihood of engaging in physical aggression in marriage. Economic Abuse A partner uses economic blockade to gain control of the mate. The man may prevent the wife from seeking gainful employment so that she would be forced to ask for money for her needs. She has to do the husband’s bidding or else she would not get any money. Some men collect their wives paycheck or make them operate a common purse which the man controls. He makes the woman believe that submitting her money is an act of submission which Christian marriage demands. Sexual Abuse In this form of abuse, the husband reduces the mate to a sex object and would make her do demeaning sexual things that are against her beliefs. Some go to the extent of physically attacking the sexual parts of her body or engaging in extramarital affairs to make her feel sexually unattractive. A man may deny his mate her sexual rights if only to punish her while he meets his sexual needs else where. Isolation This form of abuse aims at limiting the mate’s access to other persons who are in a position to mitigate the abuse of his/her partner or who can influence him/her to change. The partner does this so that he/she can control what the partner does or monitor his/her activities outside the home. A man with such a motive may cause the family to relocate to a distant place where he can carry out his evil schemes without anyone calling him to order. Spiritual Abuse This is a subtle form of abuse in which one partner uses scripture verses to manipulate the other to do his/her bidding. He uses the scripture verse that says women should submit to their husbands to demand unquestioning obedience from the wife without any right to disagree. Such men use their wives shortcomings as sermon topics during family devotions. A mate is denied the basic right to dissent on issues that concern interpretation of scripture all under the pretext that the husband is the head of the home and whatever interpretation he gives to scripture is final. The woman is made to submit to things ordinarily she would not have done all in the name of God.

This article was written by Dr Francis Edo Olotu, Physician, Family Counselor, Author, Conference Speaker and host of the Blog Empowering Dads. His blog site has many articles on diverse issues that pertain to marriage, family and health.

What is Domestic Violence?

On the 3^rd of November 2009, while vacillating on when to commence a series of articles on Domestic Violence, I got a frantic call from a patient who identified herself and asked if I had X-Ray facility in my hospital, I said no. She booked an appointment to see me. At the clinic, she complained of severe pains in the left upper arm that made it difficult for her to lift the arm, hence she wanted an X-Ray to rule out fracture of the affected limb. She admitted to having been beaten by her fiancé over an argument the previous night. After medical treatment and counseling, my parting words were “Think very well if this is the sort of man you would want to get married to.”

Domestic violence can be defined as violence in a home setting in which a more powerful person uses force to gain or maintain power and control over an intimate partner. While domestic violence commonly describes a relationship between husband and wife, it also covers child abuse and elder abuse. Domestic violence is a chronic abuse of power which starts with years of intimidation and control and later degenerates in to a pattern of assaultive or coercive behaviours which a partner currently living together with the victim or have been dating or cohabiting employs against the other person. It includes such acts as wife beating, husband beating, murder, negligent homicide, justifiable homicide, kidnapping, rape, forcible sodomy, sexual assault with an object, forcible fondling, robbery, simple assault, and aggravated assault. It does not include acts carried out in self defense.

Domestic violence has a global spread and is present in developed countries like United Kingdom and the United States where there are laws against it. It is rampant in developing countries where the practice is entrenched in many cultures particularly cultures where a wife is considered as the husband’s property. Recognition of domestic violence as a social problem evolved very slowly from when the British Common Law once allowed a man to “chastise” his wife with “any reasonable instrument”, to the present day where it is a punishable crime in many developed countries. In the United States, from 1800 to 1895 it was tolerated, until women were allowed to divorce their husband on grounds of abuse. The 1994 Violence Against Women Act gave legal and financial support for law enforcement and social services to protect battered women.

In Nigeria, the Lagos State Government of Babatunde Fashola in October 2009 provided a shelter for battered women; this is a sign of Government’s recognition of domestic violence as a growing social and public health problem. Hitherto, only some non-governmental and faith-based organizations have been catering to the needs of battered women in Nigeria.

Data on domestic violence could be mind boggling; Women in the US are more likely to have been injured, raped, or murdered by a male partner than by all other types of attackers. One in seven women going to the doctor’s office in the US has a history of partner abuse; 2 to 5% of women who are treated in a hospital’s emergency department are there for an injury from domestic violence while one in four women who attempted suicide is being abused. Twice as many women report sexual assault by their husbands as report assault by strangers. For many countries, there are no records to show the extent of this problem.

The issue of domestic violence must be addressed in all fronts because of the untold sufferings of the victims as well as the collateral damages inflicted on children from such homes.

This article was written by Dr Francis Edo Olotu, Physician, Family Counselor, Author, Conference Speaker and host of the Blog Empowering Dads. His blog site has many articles on diverse issues that pertain to marriage, family and health.

 

 

 

 

What is Parental Failure?

Parental failure has a lot in common with organ failure in the human body. When an organ such as the heart or kidney fails it is unable to pump blood round the body in case of the heart or purify blood through elimination of wastes in case of kidney failure. Parental failure is the inability of parents to do the needful for their child during the most vulnerable period of the child’s life. Parents have a responsibility of caring, providing, guarding and guiding their child till adulthood.  While parental failure may be total as when a parent dumps a child by the roadside or abandons the child in a hospital for whatever reason, in most cases, the failure is limited to some areas of need in the life of the child for which the parent failed. It is possible for a parent to do marvelously in the training of one child while he/she failures in the training of his/her other child. King David was a success in the training he gave Solomon but failed in his training of Adonijah because the Bible records that he never for once scolded him.

Nolo’s Plain- English Law Dictionary describes parental neglect as

A crime consisting of acts or omissions of a parent (including a stepparent, adoptive parent, or someone who, in practical terms, serves in a parent’s role) which endangers the health and life of a child or fails to take steps necessary to the proper raising of a child. The neglect can include leaving a child alone when he or she needs protection, failure to provide food, clothing, medical attention, or education to a child, or placing the child in dangerous or harmful circumstances, including exposing the child to a violent, abusive, or sexually predatory person.

A parent may be failing in his/her duties to his/her child:

• If the parent fails to provide for the physical needs of the child such as food, shelter, clothing, health care and protection from harm.
• If he/she fails to serve as a role model to the child in all that is needed to succeed in life.  Abraham Lincoln said; “There is but one way to train up a child in the way he should go and that is to travel it your self.” A child whose parents are not role models in moral values cannot understand the importance of moral restraints in daily living. What you do as a parent in the sight of your child is worth more than a thousand sermons.
• All children are not the same and cannot be treated alike. A parent will be failing if he/she tries to fit all his/her children into one mould. Know your child and adapt to his/her uniqueness as you train up your child.
• Let fun be part of the upbringing of your child; do not think because you did not have fun growing up, your child must share a similar fate. You will be failing in your parental duty if you have that mind set. Create a memory bank of fun in your child to draw upon when he/she eventually leaves home.
• Failure to provide a stimulating environment that promotes learning and development is a minus for a parent. Every child is unique, no two children of the same age are exactly alike and every child has a unique learning style. Help your child identify his/her learning style.
• Beyond protection, food and health, children need affection, interaction, stimulation, security, play that allows for exploration and discovery. Do not deny your child this.
• Those who failed to discipline their children growing up have denied them the opportunity of knowing that certain actions have consequences. Such children frequently run fowl of the law and could end up in prison or have poor work records.

Parental failure in one form or the other is common today for diverse reasons; a parent must count the cost before having children. Parents who care for their children very well live to enjoy the fruit of their labour. Through proper parenting, they are able to unlock the potential in their child while their children grow to become responsible citizens who contribute to development of society.

This article was written by Dr Francis Edo Olotu, Physician, Family Counselor, Author, Conference Speaker and host of the Blog Empowering Dads.Email address:empoweringdads@gmail.com. Visit his blog for a rich diversity of articles on family and health issues

Principles of Parenting-Top 10 Tips that Work

Successful children are the products of coordinated efforts of parents who knew about the correlation of good parenting style with successful evolution of children from infanthood to responsible adulthood. The following are some of the time honoured principles for raising children:

1. Children need love much the same way they need oxygen to survive. Your love for your child is expressed in providing appropriate food, clothing, shelter, emotional warmth and protection from every sort of harm. In the absence of love, children wilt, are unable to show love as they grow and turn out to be affectionless children with a poor sense of self-worth.
2. The goal of Christian parenting is to bring up children in the fear and knowledge of God. Parents are in the best position to introduce their children to God because children can only relate to God, the way they relate to their parents. When children are taught and made to be obedient to God, they find it easy to understand and relate to God. God has no grand children; every child must come personally to the knowledge of God as a father, parents should facilitate this encounter.
3. Every child is limited in life by the principles upon which he/she was raised in life. Children need instructions appropriate for their developmental stage. They should be introduced to the rules of behaviour early in life and taught what is acceptable and what is not acceptable. Rules create boundaries for children and put in them the notion that actions have consequences.
4. Every action of parents has repercussions; they are either building up the child or pulling the child down. Parents must walk the way they want their children to follow. Values are more readily caught by children than taught. When you explain to your children why you are taking a particular action, it makes more sense and it is less abstract than just teaching a child without any illustration.
5. Every child is a complex being that unravels with time; take time to know your child. Every child has an internal world comprising emotion, intelligence and spirit. Knowledge of the special needs of each child enables you to raise the child in a way that will bring out the best in each child. Each child has negative and positive tendencies, encourage the positive tendencies while discouraging the negative tendencies.
6. You cannot beat out of your child, what is wrong in your life. Some parents see their faults or character defects in their children and attempt to prevent history from repeating itself by disciplining their child excessively. Excess discipline or wrong disciplinary measures that break the spirit of the child is counter productive and tantamount to physical abuse. The discipline a child gets when he/she errs should be timely, appropriate for the age, and corrective in nature. Discipline should as much as possible be a learning experience for the child.
7. What you put in a child by way of parenting is what the child gives to society. Your child will ultimately reveal to the world what you put in him/her by way of training in the secrecy of your home. Children reflect the training they got from home the way light is reflected by a mirror. Take time to build in your children timeless values that will make your children shine in life.

8. Children live up to their parents’ expectation. Children form their opinion of themselves from what their parents say to them. If you believe in them, they work hard to live up to what you believe about them. A 3-year study of 20,000 California and Wisconsin High School Students published in Beyond the Classroom by Dr Laurence Steinberg found a strong correlation between parents’ expectation and general level of student achievement with a few exceptions. African-American and Latino parents are satisfied with any grades above D and their wards get mostly Cs. White parents are satisfied with grades above C and their children get mostly Bs. Asian parents accept A and their children bring mostly As.”

9. Children reward dutiful parents when they are old. At the time children realize the value of what their parents put in them by way of training, they would have already started raising their family and with the benefit of hindsight, would want to show appreciation to their parents by caring for them in their old age.

10. To invest time, money and energy in training your child is to train many generations. This is because children will teach their own children what they were taught. A child gives only what he/she has to his/her children.

This article was written by Dr Francis Edo Olotu, Physician, Family Counselor, Author, Conference Speaker and host of the Blog Empowering Dads.Email address:empoweringdads@gmail.com. Visit his blog for a rich diversity of articles on family and health issues